Wednesday, April 26

The essentials

The back of the packaging for the "Noise Husher" says, and I quote, "HUSHER Foam ear plugs muffle noise to a whisper so you won't miss important sounds. You will still hear doorbells, alarms, and other important sounds." Let's see..what are the important sounds one might hear on a boat at night? I'm relieved to know that when someone rings the doorbell, I'll be the first to answer the door. Alarms, check...those are highly likely. "Other important sounds." Hmmm, that leaves too much to this land-loving cracker's imagination. But, truthfully, what the "Noise Husher" leaves me wondering most about is this: A snore muffled to a whisper is a whispery snore, right? I might even be able to respect a full-on snore, but a whispery snore? Decisions, decisions.

I decided today that "The Sea Adventures of Chef and Max" could have been another good title for this blog. But then quickly realized in this case it connoted what would likely and ultimately be, a demented children's story. Max sure didn't like the image of herself in what would be cast as the dog role. I told her that, well, no offense (of course) but that just might be spot-on. She sleeps at the bottom of my bed, is half my size and snores.

But back to the topic at hand. What other important items am I getting ready to "provision" the boat with? We boaters "provision". We don't "stock" nor "load" and we definitely don't "pack". And while we are speaking lingo here, Max informed me yesterday that, at sea, you are always responsible. When one is anchored at night, you are literally and linguistically "on the hook". Indeed, if it is bedtime and you are care-free and "off-the-hook", in this new watery world, my friends, you are, in fact, in deep s--t.

My latest boat purchase was this pair of shoes. Light-weight, breathable, sturdy, comfortable. All good attributes for a pair of shoes, none of them being the reason this purchase was made. No, the reason I got this pair of shoes has to do with the white soles. Until your first yachting experience, you probably never noticed the bottoms of your shoes. But I can now tell you that every single pair of shoes in my closet has some black on the bottom. Apparently, they can design a 70 foot, fully loaded luxury yacht but can't design a floor that doesn't show the markings from the land-loving dolt who wandered on, leaving a shameful trail of black skid-marks in their path. I'm a bit concerned about the off-white, grayish parts of my soles in the shoes pictured. Yet another drama remaining to unfold. You can be sure that if I leave a trail, I will photo document the damage for you to see.

One wonders how Chef will accomplish the goal of 21 days of 3 meals a day (63 meals for you math minors) when she is so deeply and utterly and insanely worried about her sleep, her stomach, her lingo, her skid-marks. T-17 days until we find out if the NOISE HUSHERS are worth $3.75. T-17 days until we find out if Chef provisioned the boat with the correct food staples, pharmaceuticals and non-marking shoes. T-17 days until we see if Max is a good dog, or a very naughty, naughty dog.


At 10:43 AM, Anonymous Max said...


I’d just like to remind you about the rules of caring for a dog.

1)When I’m hungry, YOU feed me. Or I will bug the heck out of you until you do.

2)When I want to go out and play, YOU go out and play with me. Or I will bug you until you do.

3)When I’m tired, I will sleep. You should only wake me if you have something good to feed me, or if you want to go out to play.

Your faithful companion,


At 3:31 PM, Anonymous FrenchBread said...

Hi Chef! If I am enjoying following your preparations this much I can only imagine how cool the actually voyage will be! You are awesome! love, Mom

At 9:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Chef: (The Queen of Combstibles!)
Thar she blows, shiver me timbers and all that briney speak.
For the love of G-d please be suspicious of anyone who asks you if you want to go gunkholing.
Perhaps everyone out there could help provide you with a glossary for your adventure.
If you send pictures of your skid marks Harley will send you his.

At 11:53 PM, Blogger Chef said...

Max: But WHAT will I feed you? That is the question you should be asking yourself.

Frenchbread: Why thank you!

Anonymous: Funny, but you are not so anonymous to me. I have only one comment for you: Thank God Harley doesn't have an opposable thumb, in order to take that photo you threaten me with.


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