Tuesday, April 25

Departure minus 18 days

Okay, here I go. I'm dipping my toes into the proverbial pool of online blogging. Damn, it's COLD. And I feel a bit unprepared, but live on the edge, sister...live on the edge. Not only have I signed on to chef for the boat pictured above, teach some cooking classes to the 20 boats on this tour, but I've taken on all of you as my travel partners. Sure, you don't have to keep reading...but aren't you in the slightest bit curious to see if I end up hurling the better contents of my gourmet meals over the side of the boat? I'm thinking the pounds of pharmaceuticals I've supplied myself with might do the trick...but ya never can know.

My roommate and fellow crewmate on this adventure, we'll call her Max, has warned me that she's a snorer. We're tucked in like two bugs in a rug, in what I hear, are pretty generous crew quarters. I'm a boating newbie and also of mildly Amazonian proportions, so as I bent over and crawled up to my top bunk, knocking my head on the ceiling, I was silently cursing Max's tiny stature. Being tall in the world has served me well. Until now.

Max has devised a theoretical fix for my woes. We haven't named it yet, but it's a foam helmet to protect me from the menacing beams, ceilings and other dastardly obstacles meant to give me fits. As value-added features, it sports a chef pez dispenser that doles out my sleeping pills and anti-nausea meds. It has a nifty eye covering made of the finest silk. It attaches to a beer-bong-like catheter that meets up with Max's down below and takes it directly to the "head". That's boat-speak for the loo. See, I'm learnin'! Finally, my addition....it has a secret button that, Rube Goldberg like, flips Max over in her sleep to cut off the snoring.

So stay tuned...look in this space for updates on my preparations, mental, culinary and otherwise. It's going to be a really big show, ladies and gentlemen, a really big show.


At 12:35 PM, Blogger Shauna said...

Welcome to the blogging world! In other words, welcome to your new obsession. I can't wait to read all of the hilarious posts to come. Ahoy!

At 12:41 PM, Anonymous Horn-o-plenty said...

I am a curious reader on your mysterious trip along with you in the virtual domain. From your posting I have discerned so far that you are:

1) A moderately large and tallish woman
2) You are no stranger to pez
3) You are no stranger to beer bongs
4) You look suspiciously like a saltine cracker - from which I can deduce that you are white. "Saltine" from the french for "little white salty," Perhaps code for newbie caucasion sailor.

Some questions: Cabin boy? Walk-in Storage Area? Proficiency in radio equipment? Will the word, "chum" be used at any point?

This story could turn out a lot of ways . . .

At 12:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holly Hurler! Tall girl, we amazon types weren't created to rule the sea. We were created to rule the land! The land!!

My inner OCD personality is continuously mumbling: "Did she purchase ear plugs? What about a musical devise for distraction? What if the patches don't work? Did she pack a life vest?"

Okay, now that my outer controlled therapeutic personality has regained power, I think your voyage sounds like the perfact adventure. You are going to do fantastically and have fun all along the way. I will look forward to your daily entries.

I only have one question. How are you going to practice your shot at sea?

At 4:37 AM, Anonymous famfan said...

I am SO proud of you!!!! Can't wait to hear more about your adventures at Sea -


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